MAYOR PROPOSES FIRE TRUCK BAN IN PARTS OF SANDY SHORES, CITES ROAD DAMAGE AND "MISPLACED PRIORITIES"

In a move critics are calling either "genius" or "the dumbest thing since the Alamo Sea clean-up initiative," the Mayor's office announced today a proposal to ban fire trucks from operating in several key areas of Sandy Shores, including the trailer park, the airstrip access road, and — controversially — the entirety of Marina Drive

Standing behind a podium that was noticeably held together with duct tape, the Mayor explained the reasoning with the confidence of a man who has never once been asked to justify himself.

"Look, folks, these trucks are heavy. Real heavy. We're talking tons of steel and water just rolling around, tearing up roads we already can't afford to fix," the Mayor said. "You ban the trucks, you save the roads. You save the roads, you save money. Basic math."

When asked how removing fire trucks from a rural desert community prone to brush fires would reduce the number of fires, the Mayor doubled down.

"Statistically, if there's no truck there to respond, is it really a 'structure fire' anymore, or just... weather? I think we're over-complicating this," he said, before adding, "Fewer trucks means fewer accidents involving trucks. That's fire safety."

The Mayor's office estimates the ban could save the city upwards of "a lot" in annual road maintenance costs, which he says will be reinvested into more pressing municipal priorities — namely, expanded funding for the Gentleman's Lounge being built at the Blaine County Sheriff's office , which the Mayor personally described as " for morale."

Sandy Shores residents were quick to point out that the Mayor's newfound concern for road integrity comes just months after his office authorized the complete repaving of roughly a dozen roads that, by all accounts, were in perfectly fine condition.

City budget records obtained by Weazel News show the repaving project, quietly titled "Asphalt Renewal Initiative," cost the city more than the fire department's entire annual budget."

When a reporter raised this, the Mayor waved it off. "That's different. That was proactive road care. This fire truck thing is reactive road care. Two totally different philosophies."

The proposal has been informally dubbed by City Hall as "Defund the Volunteer Fire Department," a slogan the Mayor insists "just sounds catchy" and has "nothing to do with anything political, don't read into it."

The proposal goes before the county council next week, assuming the meeting room's roof holds.