EXCLUSIVE: WEAZEL NEWS TRACKS DOWN BIGCHUM — FORMER MAYOR LIVING LARGE ON PRIVATE ISLAND, TAUNTS FIB

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — Weazel News Staff Report

Weeks after fleeing Sandy Shores by private jet, former Mayor Chumley BigChum has resurfaced — first in a tourist's vacation photo, then, days later, in this reporter's inbox. A representative "on behalf of the Office of the Mayor" reached out offering an exclusive interview, complete with airfare. BigChum, it seems, did not want to be found so much as seen.

What followed was less an interview than a monologue, delivered poolside, interrupted twice by men in matching polos who did not introduce themselves and did not need to. Our correspondent counted no fewer than 50 armed guards on the grounds over the course of one afternoon, patrolling a property that, per BigChum, is "better protected than the county courthouse ever was." He did not appear to think this was a strange thing to be proud of.

Asked about the recertified results — "Frank King didn't win a damn thing. Frank King stole it, and everybody with a working brain in that town knows it," he said, banging a hand on the table hard enough to rattle the ice in his drink. Told that federal investigators, not King, had ordered and certified the recount, BigChum waved this off as "a technicality dressed up as democracy."

Pressed on whether he bore any responsibility for the riots that followed the original results, the fires, the deaths, the town he left to burn while he fled police and the feds and boarded a jet, BigChum grew, if anything, prouder. "That wasn't chaos, That's what happens when good people get robbed blind by a rigged system and a pretty-boy cross-dresser pretender who never worked a day for that office in his life," he said. "If anything, King owes me an apology for what his cheating put my town through." He did not address the fact that the "rigged system" in question was his own campaign's, per federal investigators, nor that his town's records show the original tally exceeded the number of registered voters by several thousand.

BigChum did not hesitate. "Tell that son of a bitch he's sitting in a chair that isn't his, and he can enjoy it while it lasts, because I'm not done." He then added a second message, considerably less printable, which this outlet has elected to summarize rather than transcribe.

BigChum was similarly unbothered discussing the federal investigation into his campaign and his spending, laughing off the FIB entirely. "They've had six weeks. Six weeks! I've had six weeks of mai tais," he said, gesturing at a drink that was, notably, his fourth of the interview. "These are the same geniuses who let a man win an election with more votes than the town has people, and now they want to play detective. Tell them the water's warm and the extradition paperwork can go straight to hell."

BigChum was considerably more animated, discussing HPMS, the facility his administration leased for a polling location and, records show, never actually paid for.

"Mason Bender let us use his building, bless him," BigChum said, before adding, with what our correspondent can only describe as genuine relish, "and I let him believe he was getting paid for it."

Before ending the interview, cut short by the arrival of a second boat and a fresh rotation of security — BigChum extended an invitation for Weazel News to return "in a few weeks" for what he called "a real celebration," details pending, guest list unconfirmed, purpose unclear given that there is, as of this printing, no office left for him to celebrate holding.

"Tell Sandy Shores I said hi," he added as our correspondent was escorted to the dock.

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